I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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