Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
