I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
