i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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