I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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