His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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