I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
