I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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