Everything about him screamed your future.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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