How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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