I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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