There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think I just sharted jello shots
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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