I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize