Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
