Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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