oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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