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I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
