First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
