I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
