I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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