Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
