First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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