there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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