Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
