I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Can I color on your dick again?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
