there's paper in my vomit.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
