help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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