she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
