Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
