Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
