I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
