textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
