I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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