your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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