I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
