Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
