how can u be prego again
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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