i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
