True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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