i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
