If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
