I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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