It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
