Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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