My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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