So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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