I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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