That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
