Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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