If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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