Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
