I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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