I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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