I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
