So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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