They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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