i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
