I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
